Comes like a lion

March is famous for coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb. In this case the lamb went out and died after been injured in a stampede for the food trough and froze in the great freeze and had its eyes pecked out by crows before the 'Bring Out Your Dead' chap collected her. And then there were seven.

As for lions coming in - Radio Scotland Greetings Programme on a Sunday morning has the superb knack of putting on great music to have sex by - I don't know if this is a deliberate ploy to increase the declining Scottish population. The Observer proclaimed that scientists were working on artificial sperm (what? is there not enough real sperm in the world?) so I am sure The Greetings programme can have a rolling advert for the new product inbetween musical interludes. Knowing that you are all waiting to hear this week's sex tune - it was Bongo Bong by Manu Chao and I love the way it dances into Je Ne T'Aime Plus on the album.

One of our swimming chums, whose dead father used to sit on her feet when she was in bed until she told him to go away, has been on Past Life Regression therapy. Apparently she used to be a miner who was blown up and a young girl who drowned in a pond whilst stretching for her teddy. I am spending a night in the haunted Jedburgh Jail with her and her sister-in-law as part of a charity "Fright Night' with the famous Indian medium Derek Pakorah.

The family told me that either the cough goes or I do - so I trailed down to the doctor and was promptly packed off for an x-ray. The BGH is a new efficient hospital and I was efficiently shoved into a cubicle and told to undress (top half only) and to lock the door to protect myself and possessions from the seething masses in the waiting room which I dutifully did. She returned to catch me posing in the full length mirror and I was bundled into a yoga position in front of the machine as the assistant dashes out of the way, presses a button and then says 'go back to your cubicle your results will be sent to the doctor'. I returned opened the door and on realising that the half naked woman wasn't my reflection in the full length mirror, apologised and went into the other cubicle door.

March winds doth blow so Kim decides to do an inaugural flight in our new plane in a 20 knot gusting 24 knots wind. The plane performed well, deemed the fastest plane in the club by our instructor, although it was certainly the muddiest after landing on the mud (nee grass) strip on runway 26.

Brandishing our new eight core server to run our website applications we went to install it in our data centre in Edinburgh. This entailed Alasdair and I driving up, filling our ears with the multicoloured earplugs, plugging it in then return via a Steading supper homeward at a rapid pace with an unbalanced tyre (and according to Alasdair an unbalanced driver too). At one point Alasdair leant over and said 'I want you to know you have been a good Dad, the best Dad, and I want you to know that now so that when we are pulled from the car wreckage your last memory of me isn't me screaming 'You Fecking Idiot I told you not to take the corner too fast with an unbalanced tyre'.

Sadly we missed the Moscow ballet performing Swan Lake in the tiny Tait Hall in Kelso and due to coughing I decided not to be mistaken as part of the John Cage performance at the Baltic. Kim had already been to see a play about a cross dressing doctor, Alasdiar went to see 'The Boyfriend' as operetta and Stuart is off to the theatre to see The Thirty Nine Steps so I am going to have to push the culture button and step away from the Wii.

Kim's new imac arrived and an impressive looking machine it is too - running Windows in virtualisation she can know browse around in about 8 different browsers across 4 screens all at lightning speed on the Extreme processor. Setting up took a while not due to any complication but due to the setup requiring you to pose in front of the built in camera for your login photo - that took half an hour at least.